So, I was having a textversation with Christopher earlier about the characters/actors I am extremely attracted to. This started a chain of thoughts about a LJ post I was going to make (ahem this one), but also accidentally caused me to text a question relating to the conversation that was meant for Chris...to Slick.

(  And then this nonsense happened. )

But quite seriously, inquiring minds want to know. I'm recently realizing that I do actually know what qualities and personality traits I look for in a significant other (none, I actually just prefer to spend the rest of my life with a feline..obviously), and it's kind of a relief to know. So I'm asking, anyone who will answer me, what do YOU look for/want/need in a lasting romantic partner?

Humor me. Let's say I'm taking a survey. I don't care if we're not talking, we've recently broken up, you stumbled upon this journal randomly, you're webstalking me, you prefer anonymity, we actually hate each other, we've never met, I killed your mother, or we're best friends and I probably already know the answer. If you're reading this, riddle me this. Plz. I'd appreciate it.

Now I'm going to go try and pretend I didn't just willingly interact with he who stompified my heart.

Surprise me. Just surprise me this one time, and maybe I'll remember.

Five by fucking five.

I feel like I've been steamrolled. I'm exhausted, cranky, and fighting an emotional tidal wave. Maybe it can be blamed partially on physical pain but I'm becoming convinced that a lack of productivity makes my mood swings and cramps unmanageable. Without distraction I'm liable to indulge in my stupid feelings.

I did NOTHING productive today. Zip. Zero. Nada. Actually, I did nothing all weekend. I completely wasted away my abundance of free time. I find I hate myself even more for that when I've been previously active with any sort of consistency. I can't believe I just bent over and bowed to my uterus.

What is it that makes me silent for weeks at a time and then feel the need to post/write/express myself excessively all in one day? My period? Probably. I like to blame being in touch with my emotions on my girly bits since I'm otherwise...not.

Right now, in this moment I feel like I need to talk to someone. Someone impartial, someone new. But I won't. Why? Because by tomorrow it will pass... and in true s-bot fashion it will once again become easier for me to just internalize, compartmentalize, and forget that I have any feelings (except anger) about any of the things presently plaguing me. I can't sleep. I haven't tried, but I know this to be fact. If nothing else my pain will keep me up. I'd rather be exercising than thinking right now but my cramps have other ideas. I think the only two things that could silence my thoughts right now are sex and exercise. Neither of which are currently accessible to me.

I hate Christmas. This month is going to be nothing but crap on a crap cracker.

Just about everything in my life is looking up right now.

This Monday marks the beginning of my last week at AAA. Not only am I getting to work the same shift with my best friend and three of my more likeable former coworkers at AAA, but one of them is my very awesome new/old boss. I'll have a pay increase, more hours, AND I'll have health benefits in a little over a month. I'm going to be working a shift that keeps my nights free so maybe by the time summer rolls around I'll be able to take night classes.

I have a new (to me) car that is treating me very well.

I'm exercising again.

I've actually been channeling energy into productive activities...such as making a bunch of jewelry and working on cuteface's book.

My dad has a new job and if his family were intact, probably would no longer have any depression issues. This has made him a lot easier to live with.

So..why do I feel like I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing? This better be PMS.

There are so many new things going on in my life right now, I'm pretty excited. I shouldn't really state any details just yet but the changes I've long needed to make are finally starting to take shape...which once again reiterates that it's not where you are, it's what you do.

On a quasi related note, I finally stood up for myself at work yesterday. I've been steadily harassed by one of my co-workers for the last week or so and I reached my breaking point Friday night. He's been doing this to me on and off for about two years now. For someone who prides herself on not taking other people's shit, when it comes to work I will pretty much bend over to my abuser. Work is not the place for dramatics. I tend to do my best to keep things emotionless and amicable but DUDE WENT CRIZAZY. I am going to forward it like it's hot post the hell out of that shit when I'm in a position to do so. Asshole.

So last night it struck me- I may never be emotionally ready to have a real relationship. The painful irony of that is the fact that I truly want to have a baby of my own one day...and my inability to commit may prevent that from ever happening.

Fuck this, I'm going dancing.

|

That everything in the world would leave me alone for one day. Just one day.

Between the job situation, social, romantic, and anything other situations I can think of, I feel like my head is going to pop off, float away, and either disappear into space or get put out of it's misery by a passing plane.

When am I allowed to have problems? Or was I just put on this planet to manage everyone else's?

Fuck this. I'm going dancing.

You are a little, little man. It must be really terrible to wake up every morning and be you.

You messed with the wrong bitch.

A possible opportunity I'd disregarded reappeared today.

I'm really OCD about locking my car...I have to be outside the car, key in hand and locking it via remote...twice. Sometimes three times.

I'm starting to enjoy the prospect of being the hippie everyone thinks I am.

I enjoy receiving snail mail.

When my throat is really sore, the outside of my neck itches..and I wind up clawing at myself like I'm trying to tear open a present. Really I'm just trying to rip out my own defective throat.

I found myself driving behind Adam Paul today. I had no idea what to do. I haven't seen or spoken to him since the incident when he thought I broke up with Christopher but..hadn't. I tried texting him afterward to say "hi, I was behind you, long time no see" and other type statements. No idea whether or not that was actually his number anymore..or whether or not he even gets texts. I don't think he did when we were dating..but that was almost five years ago now. For some reason the whole 30 second occurrence made me feel panicked.

The lightbulb in my room is out. Both of them, actually. We're going on day two here. I had three different opportunities to buy one today. I failed.

I have voicemails...probably from Gwen. I haven't been able to let myself listen yet.

Slick randomly called my extension at work today. He didn't call from his cell phone..it was some 801 number and since he's never called me from a Utah landline before, I answered like it was a member.

"Thank you for calling AAA Auto Travel, this is Steph, how can I help you?"
"Surprise!"
Having not really talked in the last two months, except for the birthday phone call I sent his way and a few slightly heart wrenching unanswered texts he sent mine, I had no idea what to say. So I said..
"Why are you calling me?"
He wanted to know what I think about us. After two months of silence...well, "I think we haven't really talked in two months, and this is a lot in my lap all at once" Then I thought I had to go back to work. He thought he'd call me later. I thought he was a liar. I kind of hoped so too.

It's a good thing Ashes wants to cuddle right now, because I've altogether had one hell of a day...one that really requires catface cuddles.

What does being in love actually consist of?

There are no words. On days like today, all that I might have to say can be summed up with one gesture.


Dear, sweet world,



...


LOL WAIT WHAT? My supervisor just called me and told me not to come in today because I'm working Saturday. NEVERMIND! Why don't I have a happy dancing picture?

Wait...



Is it just me, or are my entries getting more ridiculous?

TIME TO FIND THE KBOT!

But I apparently have an exceptional amount of confidence in comparison to some.

You know, now that I've gone and typed that I feel like anyone can say that, because there will always be someone who believes in his or her self more or less than you do.

Pointless.

The last three were taken from the driver's seat.

Feel the urge to compile all of my kissing photos.

Stuff your sorrys in a sack, Mister.

It's like you always sense when there's a disturbance in the force. Or rather a chink in my armor. Well hey, guess what? You're kind of a jerk. While I would even go so far as to say that I understand your jerkiness, it's moot. So maybe you're not an asshole. Maybe we both made mistakes, and maybe it was all just bad timing, maybe, maybe, maybe.

I don't really care. There's no maybe when it comes to my level of tolerance for this melodrama that's been playing slow-mo on the projector for the last 6 1/2 years. I. QUIT. This is the worst romantic comedy ever and I think we all know it's going nowhere. Find yourself a new leading lady.

Oh wait. YOU DON'T READ MY LIVEJOURNAL. EVER. Not since 2005, and that may even be a little generous. You stopped caring about my writing, my mind, and my life years ago. Why you still can't admit that, I'll never understand.

I'm editing this because you're still texting me and I'm too exhausted to do anything but wallow and admit that I did this to myself by calling you to say happy birthday on the 30th.

( It's not fair for you to try and force me to think about this shit when I can't even call you to scream that you're busting the rest of my bruised heart because I'm sick and voiceless. )

I called Slick on his birthday. It was the first time we'd spoken in months. I didn't really feel anything except vast irritation and a pang for all that we lost. That was the first time I ever really felt sincerely done. Over him, us, all the pain and intensity, idea children and piggy back rides under the stars.

It's relieving, ironic and proper that it should finally happen now.

I bought a car. It's a silver '07 PT Cruiser. I've already been called a soccer mom. I was driving Gwen around in it last weekend and I told her that having her in the back made me actually FEEL like a soccer mom. She said "Tephie you're...you're a mom?" I said "No, I haven't popped out any cutefaces yet." Her response "he he he pop out cutefaces...Tephie you're so funny!" She and Kendra seem to like my car more than I do. I still think it's pretty ugly...but it runs very well and I do so love the interior, as well as having a hatchback. So the days of Chip end, and the dawn of Bruiser commences. Improvement.

My dad got a job. He started Monday. I visited him on his lunch break yesterday because he hasn't made friends yet. He doesn't seem happy there yet...but I hope that changes soon. Waking up without him here is weird but I'm adjusting.

Today is Kikibotz's 25th birthday. Hooray age. Hooray lovebot. Hooray Mohegan Sun tonight.

I interacted with Mary this past weekend and didn't kill her. She did, unfortunately mistake my politeness for an invite into the apartment...which was just not happening. Then or ever. She told me that Gwen had been really excited to see me, and she continued to try talking to me from there. I really didn't want to say anything rude to her in front of cuteface..and at the time I didn't feel there was cause for it. The problem is that she never remains amicable. She's one way to my face and another entirely when the apparent threat of my presence isn't staring her down. Lovely.

The last couple of times I've seen Gwen she's told me in varying forms that I'm like a Mom. First it was Tephie is the mommy dinosaur, then fish, then she just flat out said "Tephie youuuuuuuuuuuuu're like a mommy" and then it was the pea. It's both scary and gratifying on multiple levels. I'll never be her mom and it's not a role I would ever try to usurp, but to hear from her that my efforts in our relationship are recognized even by someone so young...I don't know. On the flipside I'm scared shitless of disappointing her, or ever being ANYONE's Mom, and of somehow messing up her life. I don't know. It was a dangerous situation from the beginning, but no matter what I will never regret getting to know her and the little lady she is becoming.

Completely unrelated...I'm getting really sick. I sense another bout of bronchitis coming on. My throat is sore as fuck and I keep yacking up yellow nasties. I feel like I'm getting teleported back to first grade when I was sick ALL the time. I'd hate to think what my life would be like if I still had tonsils.

The woman that sits across from me at work supposedly had H1N1. Her son brought it home from school and her whole family was out of commission for a week. She's back to work now..but the alleged Typhoid Mary at her son's school is dead. Scary shit.

I feel like I just unleashed some loaded information..when I should be getting ready to go to Kendra's. So ..I'm going to go..do..that.

This whole thing now officially makes me really goddamn uncomfortable.

Truthfully...I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.